Saturday, April 25, 2009

Sat morning

So my mom and I talked this morning. See I turned 25 three days ago and am now going off my parents insurance because of it. The rub is that I am to heavy for any insurance company to take me. I am to overweight. My mom told me that she and dad are at there wits end and that I have to do something. She says she doesn't think I can do it by myself, I have to go somewhere or something like that.
I occured to me that they are never going to get this. They are never going to understand what their words do to me. Unless I loose my weight my relationship with my parents is going to continue to suck. Why does my relationship with them have to be contingent on me weight? So I asked God to change my heart. The least I can do is love my parents, I don't agree with their methods, but I do love them. There my parents!! But another thought occured to me...what if there right? That is probably my worst fear...them being right.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Two loves

So I was talking with my pastor after a class tonight and we got on the topic of Grace. To my understanding Grace is knowing your loved and not having to do anything to earn that love. It is an unconditional love the God gives us freely and nothing we can say, do, or think can give us more love or take love away. It got me thinking, does this love really exist here on earth? Does it? Is there anyone on earth who has been unconditionally loved by anyone? Sadly I don't think there is, not to be a downer but I think people have wonderful intentions, but we are all human.
I believe there are two types of love in the world, love you earn and love you are freely given. Far to often the world operates in the love you earn. Do this and I will love you, earn this amount of money and people will love you more. Buy these things and people will love you. Buy kids lots of stuff so they love you more and so on. What would happen if we took all that away? What if we could not show our love for people with our actions or our gifts? Could we still show people we care and love them? A love that you, as a recipient, absolutely could not earn no matter how hard you tried and a love that could never be turned off.
This kind of unconditional love it supernatural, that is why it is so hard for us to understand it.
I wish I knew this love, I wish I could say I know God LOVES me. To some extend I "know" God loves me, but it is a head knowledge. I want that knowledge to be a heart knowledge. Back to the conversation with my pastor, I told him this whole concept of Grace and unconditional love is just over my head. I so desperately wish I felt this love and knew it to the core of my being. He told me, keep working on it, one day you'll know. I pray and long for that day! Until then I will put one foot in front of the other and keep praying. I need to open the window to my soul and let God in.