Inside my brain

2010-12-03T23:12:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas. I love it! I love the lights, the presents, I love everything about it! Today my roommate and I went to get a tree. I think we found the most fragrant tree in the whole town! Its beautiful. I realize this time of year I get so caught up in the hussel and bussel of the lights, trees, presents, and so on that I forget the real reason I am celebrating. I forget that I am celebrating a life that was lived 2010 years go, a life that was sacrified to save mine. When I really sit down and think about Jesus I come up with a few conclusions. One is that he lived and died with me in mind, the second is that he is still alive to this day, third is that I am not him and I don' want his job. This time of year people worry so much about money and how will they do Christmas. I know because I am in that same boat, but instead, I'm going to give it to God and decide to celebrate the life that was willingly given to save mine. Jesus Happy Birthday! This month, I am celebrating you!

some of my poetry

2009-08-11T17:34:00.000-07:00

Oneity

One word.
Is all it takes.
The word that describes,
“that type” of person.

You see “that type” of person
and instantly
that world
Hits your thoughts…

What is that word?
Lazy
White
Minority
Different
Hypee
Special
Young
Old
Immature….

What’s the word?
You see “them” all the time…
What’s the first word,
that crashes your mind?

Now think about this…
Do you know them?
Do you REALLY know them?
More than a face,
more than a common “Hi”

Do you know them?
Do you know their heart?
Do you know their background?
Do you know there deepest need?

Unity,
Doesn’t just happen overnight.
1 Corinthians 12….
The ability to see
Beyond the
“Uniqueness”

the ability to share the
kindness.

The ability to laugh together,
Cry together,
And break bread together.

Unity,
One word….

Oneity.

Drop

The world spins
with one single drop.
One here
one there.
Harmful drops,
Helpful drops,
Healing drops.

A single drop can
well up
in the eye,
slide down a cheek
And wet the ground below.

To much laughter
can make a drop
well up in the eye
“Laugh until you cry”

A single drop
can go
from a plastic bag
Marked “Chemo”
Into a plastic tubing
of an IV,
Into the blood stream;
of a very scared person.

A single drop can
multiply and become
several drops taken out
of the body.
Put back in
for a person with kidney failure.

A single drop can come
From above
And create
Beautiful oceans,
Lakes,
Rivers,
And streams.

A single drop
over time
Can tear down,
and destroy
caverns,
canyons,
and people.
Even the simplest
Of things…
Boiling water
Begins with a single drop.

It’s strange to think.
A single drop
can bring
Life
or
Death.

It can release,
It can harm,
It can help
It can heal
It can create.

Amazing the power of a
Single drop.

To let go

To let go
to let oneself
have freedom
to not be restricted
to what and when.
To let the walls down
and let the world in.

To let go
let it ALL go!
To not care
who is there,
who is watching,
who is around,
and to just,
let GO!

Let go of the good,
let go of the bad.
To not have to hold
everything together
all the time

To lose the face;
the smile.
And just be.
Be who you are
and to be okay
with that.

To not act
like something your not
to not have to pretend,
To be who you are,
ALL of who you are
and to not change
to make others happy.

To give up the facade
give up the idea of perfection,
and let go
of the control.
To be willing to say
"God I want to become
all you created me to be,
and I don't are what it takes."

To be who you are
To let go and let God.
To just let go
and
BREATH

So much pain

2009-06-30T23:07:00.000-07:00

This week Michael Jackson died suddenly at age 50. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and the sudden deaths TV pitchman Billy Mays were also in the news. That is a lot of death. Today in Bible study we read about how the Lord will come like a thief in the night which basically means that not only the Lord will come when we don't know it, it also means that we don't know when we will die. It simply makes me realize how short life is and how suddenly it can be taken away. I guess that is what scares me, that one day I will die and I have no control over when that day is. I don't know how I will die or when for that matter. That scares me, I think what scares me more is that I will get to heaven and God will say he does not know me. What I want to hear is well done good and faithful servant, you are my child in whom I am well pleased, and that I was adopted into his family. I want to see Nana, Granddad, Grandma, Grandpa, Jesus and everyone I love. Standing there ready to give me a hug when I get to heaven.

Also today I realize that this July 4, 2009 will be the 10 year anniversary of my Nana's sudden death. I miss her just as much now as I did before. I love her so much and would give everything for one more second with her.

Grandpa

2009-05-27T15:10:00.000-07:00

So roughly one month and 13 days ago my last grandparent passed away. It was not expected, but not unexpected. I we to his memorial a couple weeks ago. We sat in this large church with all the other people who knew grandpa. The stories they were telling me was of a grandpa who loved his job, loved people, and loved life. He worked well with the youth, and other pastors would send him their children to him because he was so good with teenagers. He volunteered in so many places and did so much to help people.
The grandpa I knew was a different person. I do have to believe that the grandpa I knew had to in some way shape or form have influence on me becoming a Christian. The grandpa I knew played mind games with me and insulted my intelligence. The grandpa I knew had a short tempter and was not patient. The grandpa I knew was rude. Don't get me wrong, I loved my grandpa. But I think I see a cycle of abuse in my family that shouldn't be there.

Sat morning

2009-04-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

So my mom and I talked this morning. See I turned 25 three days ago and am now going off my parents insurance because of it. The rub is that I am to heavy for any insurance company to take me. I am to overweight. My mom told me that she and dad are at there wits end and that I have to do something. She says she doesn't think I can do it by myself, I have to go somewhere or something like that.
I occured to me that they are never going to get this. They are never going to understand what their words do to me. Unless I loose my weight my relationship with my parents is going to continue to suck. Why does my relationship with them have to be contingent on me weight? So I asked God to change my heart. The least I can do is love my parents, I don't agree with their methods, but I do love them. There my parents!! But another thought occured to me...what if there right? That is probably my worst fear...them being right.

Two loves

2009-04-01T22:06:00.000-07:00

So I was talking with my pastor after a class tonight and we got on the topic of Grace. To my understanding Grace is knowing your loved and not having to do anything to earn that love. It is an unconditional love the God gives us freely and nothing we can say, do, or think can give us more love or take love away. It got me thinking, does this love really exist here on earth? Does it? Is there anyone on earth who has been unconditionally loved by anyone? Sadly I don't think there is, not to be a downer but I think people have wonderful intentions, but we are all human.
I believe there are two types of love in the world, love you earn and love you are freely given. Far to often the world operates in the love you earn. Do this and I will love you, earn this amount of money and people will love you more. Buy these things and people will love you. Buy kids lots of stuff so they love you more and so on. What would happen if we took all that away? What if we could not show our love for people with our actions or our gifts? Could we still show people we care and love them? A love that you, as a recipient, absolutely could not earn no matter how hard you tried and a love that could never be turned off.
This kind of unconditional love it supernatural, that is why it is so hard for us to understand it.
I wish I knew this love, I wish I could say I know God LOVES me. To some extend I "know" God loves me, but it is a head knowledge. I want that knowledge to be a heart knowledge. Back to the conversation with my pastor, I told him this whole concept of Grace and unconditional love is just over my head. I so desperately wish I felt this love and knew it to the core of my being. He told me, keep working on it, one day you'll know. I pray and long for that day! Until then I will put one foot in front of the other and keep praying. I need to open the window to my soul and let God in.

Imagine me

2009-03-12T23:05:00.000-07:00

I was talking with my pastor today about "stuff" and became more aware of my need to have counseling. I have come to a place in my life where I have to be healed. I need it to the core of my being. I want to be healed, I need to be healed, I desire to be healed. Of course I want it NOW, but as my pastor told me, it is quite possible that this is going to be a long hard road for me. I am determined to do it though... why? Because I want to be a wise, powerful, women who has become all God made her to be. I want to forgive those who have wronged me and just let go, not for them, but for me. Imagine Me...FREE!
Here is the song by Kirk Franklin

Imagine Me
Loving what I see when
The mirror looks at me cause I,
Imagine me
In a place of no insecurities
And I'm finally happy cause
I imagine me.

Letting go of all the ones who hurt me
Cause they never did deserve me
Can you imagine me?
Saying no to thoughts that
Try to control me
Remembering all you told me
Lord, can you imagine me?

Over what my mama said
And healed from what my daddy did
And I wanna live and not read that page
Again

Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally
Finally I can..Imagine me
I admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like me
But finally I can..Imagine me

Being strong
And not letting people break me down
You won't get that joy this time around
Can you imagine me?
In a world where nobody has
To live afraid
Because of your love fears gone away
Can you imagine me?

Letting go of my past and
Glad to have another chance and
My heart will dance
'Cause I don't have to read that page again

This song is dedicated to people like
Me those that struggle with
insecurities, acceptance and even
self-esteem
You never felt good enough; but
imagine God whispering in you ear
letting you know that everything
That has happened is now

Gone, gone, it's gone, all gone

WOW what a prayer, what a song, what a prayer. Imagine me!

Spring

2009-03-05T19:10:00.000-08:00

I love Spring time. Driving home to Grass Valley I was amazed by God's creation. On the back roads with all the orchards...WOW it is SO beautiful. I find myself wishing I had a camera to take pictures. I find myself taking out my cell phone so I can take pictures while driving...I know not the safest thing to do, but I can't resist. It got me thinking...if God took so much time in creating the trees, the wildflowers, the grass, then he must take so much more time and pleasure in the way he created me. Although I don't understand or believe in his pleasure for me....I do know it exists. One day I will feel that and I will sing in it. I will dance in it, laugh in it, live in it, and fully be alive in it.
Healing as it were, is much more difficult than I ever thought it could be. Part of me wishes I lived in the Utopian society were no one was ever hurt, everyone received bit of the love they needed, everyone was accepted for who they were, and so forth. As it were, we don't live in utopia and we all have issues. I think the issues make us wise and allow us to help others. So even though it bites..I think I will take the issues.
Spring is a time of news life, new beginnings, freshness. Heres to new life and new beginnings.

Future

2009-02-23T20:31:00.000-08:00

Its is amazing to me how everyone in your life knows what you should do with your life minus you. I got a degree in Liberal Studies and a teaching credential which means I can teach grades k-6. I'm not sure I want to do that. So now I am getting a child development permit which lets me teach preschool. This is the first time I have actually enjoyed school and wanted to learn. Doesn't that say something? Most everyone I talk to says I would be wonderful at preschool yet when I talk to the parental units, they say public elementary school or nothing. Shouldn't you do what makes you happy and fulfilled, not what your "supposed" to do because you get more money?

Jobs are so complicated and their are so many choices. I want to go into ministry (either high school or college) and I want to do preschool, potentially teach for 2 years so I can get a non expiring credential, an who knows what else. I think the difference between my generation (20 somethings) and my parents is that my parents get a job and do it. They do it until they retire, where as my generation does a job because it is something we WANT to do and have fun doing.

qariopgjq

2009-02-22T21:27:00.001-08:00

So have you every had one of those moments. One of those moment where you do everything right and everything in your life is falling into place. Where God and the world just seem to make sense?
I have a theme song that relates to this, it's called "One Moment In Time" by Whitney Huston. My part goes like this, "Give me one moment in time when I am more than I thought I could be. When all of my dreams are a heart beat away and the answers are all up to me. In that one moment in time I will be, I will be FREE." I keep praying for that time, that time when, according to another song called Amazing Grace, I can sit in church and sing, "Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me......my chains are gone I've been set FREE."
Freedom, freedom from pain, for guilt, from shame, from the past, from the present, from the future, from every hurt from every wound from yourself. Freedom, such a small word with so much meaning.

Should alcohol consumption be illegal during pregnancy?

2009-02-17T10:57:00.000-08:00

So for my Child Development class this morning I had to answer the following question:
Now that you know that the leading cause of mental retardation (alcohol consumption during pregnancy) is completely preventable, what do you think are appropriate procedures to implement in order to help avoid such birth defects?

Should alcohol consumption during pregnancy be limited by law? If so, how? If not, why not? Why do you think this is this such a controversial subject?

Are there other legislative issues that you think ought to be considered when it comes to protecting the developing fetus? What should the rights of the mother and father be during the prenatal period?

Here is my response, what do you think?

I am really torn on this issue. I want to be able to say, “ yes make alcohol consumption during pregnancy be completely illegal.” Then I start thinking about the babies of those mothers who are already born a step behind everyone else; would it benefit them to have their mom go to jail? Chances are that the baby would then go to family member and be raised. But what if the baby goes into foster care? Some of my friends that have been in foster care, would of rather stayed where they were because it was so bad. If you don’t step in though the baby already born with FAS (probably) is now living in a house where one or both parents (if there are two) are alcoholics and that is not good either. Like the book said the most important part of the developing fetus is the first few days and weeks after conception when Organogenesis happens and most women don’t know they are pregnant at that time, so would it help to put them in jail after the baby is born? There are already so many non-special needs kids waiting to be adopted by families, it takes even longer for special needs children. The hard part is that we all want to prevent birth defects, we all want healthy happy babies and to what extent will we go to achieve that?
The best thought I can come up with at this point is that the mom’s should go to a rehab facility. If they have family that is sober, have the baby stay with them, if not mom takes that baby with her and people there take care of the baby while mom works on herself. (meaning baby and mom live together with other babies/moms, but sitters are provided when mom’s go to therapy or need to be elsewhere) I just think that so much can happen in jail, you want the mom somewhere safe and you want the ultimate goal to be for mom and baby to, if nothing else, be in each others lives.

land of puddles

2009-02-16T18:46:00.000-08:00

I grew up on a hill in a small town. Grass Valley, despite the name, is neither a valley nor made of grass. It is in fact a bunch of hills so when it rained all the water rushed away. In Chico however everything is flat and when it rains it just puddles. So all the water pools in various spots all over Chico. So when it rains I get to go puddle jumping or better yet I get to rush through puddles at very high speeds in my car. Makes me laugh.